My Rant As a Commuter

I wrote this blog a long time ago on my Palm Treo as I was riding the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) Train one morning because it started to bother me why I was stupid enough to keep a job in San Francisco, CA while living in Tracy, CA. That's about 60 miles away.... Every morning I had to drive 20 miles in bumper to bumper traffic to get to the Pleasanton BART station, walk 2 blocks (there was never any parking in the actual LOT) TO the station, wait for the train that was always late, get in a crammed train where I could smell what people were thinking to ride the remaining 40 miles to San Francisco. The only good thing about that commute was the nap I got to take on the train if I was lucky enough to get a seat...

So without further bullcrap I present to you my letter to the fellow commuters I had to fight with, along with a few random people that came in my path from time to time.

*Ahem*

Dear driver in the green shiny Scion (who for some reason thinks a Scion has handles like a Vette) who's switchin’ lanes but keeps almost side swipin’ people... u got blind spots and you got side view mirrors.... CHECK EM BITCH!

Dear people who are already in a lane that’s merging but u don’t wanna let the merger in front of you... zipper affect people!!! let’s try it sometime!!! Fuckin road hog.. I’m not gonna be the reason ur late for work, the cop over there in the speed trap will be the reason. So go ahead speed racer. U truly are a demon on wheels. And looks like the law is ready to rebuke your now late for work ass in the name of traffic.

Dear big rig drivers... I think u guys r the main reason there is traffic. U should really think about petitioning to get your own freeway so u can go five miles an hour in peace... and STOP TRYIN’ TO GET INTO THE FAST LANE!! It’s against the morals of freeway driving!!!

Dear lane switcher... don’t fuckin get in front of me and slam your breaks... not unless u want my engine in your backseat. I have full coverage with a good driver discount... if u do too u sure don’t fuckin ‘ack’ like it you dried up stinky toad licker.

Dear tailgater... unless you're a hemorrhoid or Charlie Murphy, get off my damn ass! I bet if I opened my car window n farted u'd catch a great whiff!

Dear prisoners on the jail bus on your way down the street to ‘Rita Prison. Don’t look at me like that while I’m walking to the train station. I feel violated. Maybe u shoulda thought about the fact that there are NO pretty girls in prison before u sold that rock to an undercover cop. Yo boy Rallo told u it was somethin' fishy about him. And Rallo went to community college.. u didn’t. I guess Rallo wasn’t such a dumb ass for gettin an edumakayshun after all, huh? That’s why he's fuckin yo girl Taeesha right about...... nowish.

Dear BART passenger who just so happened to sit in my favorite seat. I know u didn’t know I sit there every morning but may the gods of jelly burn your soul in a jelly like hell anyway.

Dear passenger who didnt take a shower after fuckin your wife this morning.... she must have JUST gotten off her period, huh?

Dear passenger who thinks that new cologne is the shit... you smell like SHIT, old spice, rotten fruit and wolf pussy. Either that or u’ve been fuckin the wife of the passenger next to me.

Dear BART conductor... don’t have an attitude with the people who are running to the doors to make your train... u were the late one in the first place. Change your tampon and take summa dat base outta ur voice.

Dear musicians that play every now and then at my stop... u all seriously rock... but all I got is my BART ticket and I need that to get back home... sorry.

Dear escalator riders... up AND down alike.... u see the trend.... left side walk, right side stand... if u don’t feel like truckin up the escalator steps, get your ass out of my face (LITERALLY) and head EAST where the rest of the people who don’t feel like holding their bag while walking up the steps are. To the people going down.... u heard me just say, “oh shit that's my train”... either move your ass to the right or truck a little faster. If u have decided to truck faster, DO NOT STOP OR SLOW DOWN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STEPS!!!! U WILL BE THE REASON FOR ONE OF 3 THINGS HAPPENING... ME CUSSING AS I PASS YOU BECAUSE I ALMOST FELL ON YOUR STANKIN ASS... ME ACTUALLY FALLING ON YOUR STANKIN ASS AND MAKIN SURE U FALL TOO IN THE PROCESS OR EVERYONE FROM TOP LEVEL TO SUB LEVEL DOIN THE DOMINOES. SO MOVE YOUR ASS NOOOOOOOW. And if i miss my train...... OOOOHHH.... I will curse you and accuse your grandmother of looking like a bullfrog has been fucking a camel, u heartless "I aint got nowhere I need to be so fuck everyone else" motherless goat.

Confessions of a Quirky Girl Pt. 1

I fell in love with a "special person".... twice.... in my life.
The first time I was like 10. He was 11. Skinny white boy. He was cute to me. And very nice! I knew that the park my cousin and I played at harbored a summer school for children of the little yellow bus. But this guy seemed normal.. ok more normal than the rest of his peers. I liked him a lot, and he liked me. We exchanged numbers and actually called each other... How did this even happen with the parents I have??? I don't even know. Couldn't tell you how I pulled it off. Anyhow... we were boyfriend and girlfriend for about a week, then his classes there were over. And we never talked again. I was quite sad about it.

The second time.. I was in high school. I'd say junior year. I was in chorus class. It was the holiday season and we went on a field trip to the Sunvalley Mall to go caroling. Little did I know that early in the morning at the mall was a designated time for the Geri's (people of the geriatric genre) and the bus riders of the little yellow kind. So my best friend and I are in Sears. I see a tall drink of chocolate milk (tall black man) kind of walking around with the special ones. He looked normal... except he was wearing a fanny pack.. I didn't pay that any mind at first. I just thought that was something he used to hold inhalers or something like that. So I bring him to my BFF's attention. She tells me he might be among the yellow jackets... I sure was blind I tell ya. He was the cutest thing in the mall... to me... until he slapped his chest twice, waved his arm in the air and let out a loud "DURRRRREEERRRR!" My BFF found it very funny and made fun of me all the way back to school. We stopped being friends for all of maybe 10 minutes. We haven't had a fight since then. That was well over 10 years ago..

I forgot to mention that when he did the chest slap and the noise.... he also spun around in a circle.. twice...
yep